Hey guys, so again, I’m doing something new and probably not original – because God knows how many Buzzfeed articles and Youtube videos there are about softball players and the things that they say (or things that they miss after their careers are over).
However, I’ve recently been helping out at my father’s 10 and under softball practices and I’ve been having flashbacks to when I was playing softball at that age (as well as all of my teenage years) – and I thought that I could provide some different, personal (some are funny) thoughts that I’ve had with you all. A lot of them are anxiety-driven thoughts, so they may be a bit different and more random than the average softball player’s. (I have been in all of these positions that I’m going to cover except for catcher – obviously those thoughts are assumed, not from personal experience.)
And for those who don’t already know, I was a pitcher and an infielder towards the beginning of my career (I started when I was 11 – and I finished as a pitcher/infielder when I was a freshman in high school (varsity)). I also played a little bit of first base during my sophomore year of high school (varsity) – but I ended my career as an outfielder (my favorite position). Pretty much anywhere in the outfield – I played left and center field for my travel teams towards the end of my career and I played right field throughout all of high school (varsity).
So…yeah, this is going to be a bit random, long, not grammatically correct, and all over the place (because they’re thoughts) – but I’ve organized these random thoughts into positions – pitcher, catcher, infielder, outfielder, batter, baserunner, on the bench, pre-game, and post-softball career. If you don’t want to read the whole thing, then just scroll down to the specific sections you want to see.
This basically gives you insight into some of the random, stupid things I thought for the past ten years – and I figure that some of my teammates probably thought some of these things too.
*ALSO AS A WARNING*: the pictures that pop up randomly throughout this post came from Google, and yes, there will be some cursing (I won’t actually type out the curse word, but I’ll type the first letter and then asterisks, so you’ll get what I’m actually saying) – but this is simply because I’m trying to be as realistic as possible. Sorry if it sounds vile and un-lady-like but this sport is pretty un-lady-like, so I think it works lol.
So, here is…Random Thoughts A Softball Player Has During Games.
Pitchers:
“Okay, you can do this, you can do this. Just try not to screw up.”
“There’s no one better than you right now- you got this.”
“I am the BOSS.”
“I love feeling this important – it’s awesome.”
“The sun is literally burning me to a crisp out here. I probably should’ve listened to mom and put on more sunblock.”
“I really wish I could rub dirt directly onto the softball. It would make my life a whole lot easier.”
“GOD, NOT A LEFTY HITTER!”
“I wish it would stop raining, it’s making the ball slippery!”
“This freezing cold weather is hurting my fingers, and my toes are numb – could this be anymore annoying?”
“Enough, wind – you’re screwing up my pitches!” ///Or///“THIS WIND FEELS SO GOOD.”
(As you rake at the dirt in front of the mound with your cleat): “The f****** pitcher on the other team keeps digging this f****** hole right in front of the f****** mound and it’s pissing me the f*** off.”
“Bleck, this mouth guard tastes like rubber and dirt. I should probably rinse it out.”
“This face mask is going to give me the weirdest tan lines EVER.”
“Wow, this batter thinks she’s hot s***. Poor girl. She’s not gonna know what hit her.”
“I HATE when batters stand too close to my plate. Oh well, that’s okay, I’ll just blow you away with a high inside pitch.”
“No, by all means, take forever to get ready in the batter’s box. I’ll wait.”
(After the catcher tells the pitcher what to throw): “Good choice, I was thinking the same thing.” ///Or/// “Well catcher – that pitch hasn’t been working lately, and I know that you know this… but I guess we’re giving it yet ANOTHER try…”
“Yes, I’m aware that that specific pitch isn’t working today – and YES I’m trying to fix it.”
“I know it doesn’t look like I’m trying – but trust me – I am.”
(After the umpire calls a ball a strike): “That was CLEARLY too far off the plate, but I’ll take it.”
“Bleck, sweat just dripped into my mouth. Ew.”
(After the umpire calls a strike a ball): “Can I even throw a strike?” ///Or/// “Are you kidding me?! What more do I have to do – it was right down the middle!”
“Okay – okay give me a minute to actually take a slight break in between pitches and set myself up before you start calling ‘time’ on me. This takes a lot of work, you know, and I need my mini breaks.”
“If you keep calling ‘time’ right as I’m about to pitch – I’m going to make you stand there and wait for the next pitch until we’re all dead.”
“Breathe.”
“God, not a changeup! Why do I have such a problem trying to throw these…”
(After hitting a batter): “Okay, it’s time to pull myself together.”
“I. Am. So. Tired.”
“If we lose this game – it’s going to be all my fault, everyone’s gonna blame me, Coach is never gonna pitch me again, my father’s going to kill me, and the world as we know it is going to end……..okay, glad I got that out of my system.”
“Man, I am on FIRE today!”
“I love my teammates today. We are simply unflappable.”
“That’s right, I just threw you’re a** out – serves you right. And go ahead and slam your bat on the ground, I love it.”
“Okay, that’s the tenth girl I’ve walked, I should probably start pitching like a normal human being now.”
“If Coach tells me not to ‘throw off of my hip’ one more time, I swear to God…”
(After someone in the crowd yells: “Don’t bowl the ball!” when you accidentally let the ball slip from your grip and it rolls down to the catcher.): “Really? This isn’t bowling? Wow, I didn’t even know, I was really confused there for a moment until you reminded me.” -_____-
(After someone in the crowd yells: “C’mon, throw a strike!” when you throw too many balls in a row): “That’s obviously what I’m going for, but thanks for the suggestion.” ///Or/// “It’s not my mistake, it’s the umpire’s.”
(After someone yells: “C’mon Blue (umpire), that was a strike”): “I appreciate your support, but I’ve never met an umpire that decides to change his/her call based off of what someone says about it in the crowd. So, if you don’t mind, please stop pissing off the umpire, because he’ll/she’ll probably screw me over again.”
“The crowd is especially annoying and judgmental today. Cool.”
“Go to my happy place, go to my happy place.”
“Oh my God, I almost just tripped over my own two feet – get it together.”
“I can’t wait for a water break. I think I’m going to down my entire bottle.”
“These cleats SUCK – my feet are getting so blistered and calloused.”
“Oh God, did anyone hear my hip just pop? That was nasty and it hurt.”
“My joints are going to make me pay for this some day, and my muscles are going to make me pay for this tomorrow.”
“I’m gonna have to really ice my shoulder tonight.”
“Having a line drive hit directly at me is like…one of my worst nightmares.”
“Okay, could the other team cool it with the cheers now? We get the point and they’re really annoying.”
“There’s so much dirt underneath my fingernails right now…”
(If your pitching motion involves you holding the glove up to your face): “Eeeeewww, why does my glove smell like that?”
“I hate it when people ask me why I grunt every time I pitch. I’m obviously putting everything I have into every pitch I throw – how can you not grunt?”
“I hate that I can’t pick my wedgie because I’m literally standing at the center of the universe right now.”
“I swear on my life, that pitch was supposed to be a rise-ball – it just went in the exact opposite direction it was supposed to…so now everyone thinks I threw a drop and my catcher is confused.”
“Why can’t I be taller?”
“Why can’t my fingers grow longer?”
“I would give anything to jump into a pool right now.”
“Dad, stop throwing a hissy fit every time I throw a bad pitch – that looks bad on you.”
“D***** that wasn’t supposed to be a curveball!”
“I could really go for a cheeseburger right now.”
“Aaaaand she just hit another homerun…I should just quit pitching now.”
“This jersey is giving my pitching arm’s armpit rug burn.”
“This batter deserves a nice rise-ball.”
“My defense better not screw this up.”
“I love my defense today.”
“I literally feel like I’m doing all of the work out here.”
“I wish people would stop screaming at the top of their lungs when they cheer in the crowd – we can hear you perfectly.”
(When a coach gives pitching advice in the middle of a game): “THERE’S TOO MUCH STUFF TO TRY AND REMEMBER TO DO WHEN I’M OUT HERE!!!!”
“I bet the rest of my team thinks I suck – I’m sorry!”
“I did not give you ‘the look’ Coach, please don’t take me out of the game!”
“Okay, just stop the bleeding. Forget about everything else – just strike this b**** out.”
“Get mad – think of everything that makes you mad, and hopefully it’ll help you throw harder.”
“See? Even though I majorly suck at my job – I can stop the mess I made!”
“I LOVE feeling in control of the game like this.”
“What would this team do without me?”
————————————————————————–
Catchers:
“Go ahead – try to steal that base, I dare you. Let’s see what happens.”
“GOD, NOT A LEFTY HITTER!” (yes, I’m aware that I’ve said this one twice.)
“That’s right – don’t underestimate the strength of my arm. I’m a catcher for a reason.”
“Trust me – it’s just as hot as it looks under all this gear.”
“That wasn’t the pitch I called! Now you’re making me look bad in front of Coach, c’mon!”
“I’m the one calling this game – you can’t just throw whatever you want!”
“First chance I get – I’m throwing this b**** out. Her enormous lead at first base is pissing me off.”
“This girl’s gonna steal on me – I can feel it. But she’s not gonna make it, not on my watch.”
“I don’t think anyone else understands the depth of hopelessness that I feel when s*** hits the fan out there.”
“This batter’s CLEATS THO. Are they orange?”
“Why are you standing so far back in the batter’s box? Why? Oh well, time for a rise-ball.”
“I can literally feel this umpire’s breath on the back of my neck right now. Ew.”
“This is probably the worst position to play when you’re on your period. Seriously.”
“My joints…my poor joints.”
“I really wish Coach would stop talking to me every 5 seconds – I’m trying to think.”
“Do not hit me with that bat. Do not.”
“Let’s get one thing straight girl at third base who looks like she wants to murder me – when there’s a play at the plate, I’m entitled to cover it. And if you plow me over, I will destroy you.”
“D*****, why do I keep dropping the third strike? Is my glove defective – what’s going on?”
“Lol – you THOUGHT I dropped the third strike. Now you just look stupid.”
“Eeeeeew, why does all of my gear smell like that?”
“If I let one more pitch pass by me, so help me God…”
“Can you please try a bit harder to NOT make me jump for a pitch? Please?”
(After getting hit with a foul ball or pitch): “Thank you, gear.”
“Am I the ONLY one who knows how many outs there are?”
“Man, the defense is really saving our a**** right now.”
“D***, the pitcher and I are carrying all the weight right now – what gives, infield?”
“If this umpire doesn’t start calling these pitches right – I’m going to elbow him/her in the groin and call it an accident.”
“Get mad, pitcher, get mad!”
“And what does this b**** think she’s doing? Back up off my plate! That’s it – I’m calling a high inside pitch.”
“Wooo, the pitcher and I are on FIRE today. We own this field!”
“God, they’re screaming cheers right in my ears. I’m gonna go deaf by the time the game is over.”
“Okay, I know that a change-up is difficult to throw – and they’re tricky to catch, believe me – but I REALLY need you to make this work here, I believe in you!”
“Thank God this mask/helmet disguises how many ugly faces I make behind the plate during a game.”
“Well, that’s the second homerun – probably time to have a talk with my pitcher…but I don’t feel like getting up and walking all the way out there…nope, now’s not the time to be lazy.”
“You think I’d be uncomfortable with the umpire right up against my back during the game – but you just get used to it.”
“I’M SO HUNGRY.”
“This gear feels a thousand times heavier towards the end of a game.”
“I AM SO HOT. I FEEL LIKE I’M ON FIRE.”
“That fake pump wasn’t intentional. I actually almost threw the ball – but no one will ever know.”
“Learning to throw from my knees was the BEST skill I’ve ever learned.”
“Every single crevice of my body is soaked in sweat. This is disgusting.”
“I hate that scratchy feeling my throat eventually gets from screaming out to the entire field every inning.”
“I love this position. It’s my favorite.”
————————————————————————–
Infielders:
“God, I’m sweating my a** off out here.”
“This base runner needs to stop looking at me right now – pay attention to the game!”
“Oh c’mon Blue, that was right down the middle! Are you blind?”
“GOD NOT A LEFTY HITTER!” (yes, I’m aware that I’ve said this three times.)
“The outfielders have it SO MUCH EASIER than we do – they don’t even know.”
“I feel like all eyes are on the infield right now, its seriously do or die with us – but let’s be real, I love it.”
“I’m gonna have a horrible sunglasses tan by the end of this season.”
“I hate when people yell: ‘What are you doing?’ at me after I make a mistake. Clearly I screwed up – but I know what the f*** I’m doing.”
“I really need to reapply sunscreen – it’s hot as hell out here.”
“I love their helmets – I wish we had ones like those.”
“Man, that girl is HUGE. I hope left field is ready – I should probably shout that out to her.”
“D*** that girl is short – she’s probably fast too. Get ready for the bunt – I should probably shout that out too.”
“I can’t see what pitch is being called because our catcher’s glove is always in my way – perfect, awesome.”
“Aaaaaaand that’s over my head – but no longer my problem! You know…until they throw it in.”
(After a can-of-corn hit gets hit out to an outfielder who screws up and doesn’t catch it – and now you’re the cut off and you yell out to her: ‘Throw it in!’): “THROW. THE. BALL. TO. ME. YOU MORON – THERE ARE PLAYERS TAKING BASES OVER HERE! Outfielders – all they know how to do is run.”
(After watching an outfielder dive): “I can’t imagine having to do that. It looks really painful. I like diving on dirt for ground balls, thank you very much.”
“This visor is making my forehead itch.”
“The top of my head has to be like…1,000 degrees right now because of the sun, I can’t even touch it – it’s that hot.”
(A first baseman after the ball gets hit to someone in the infield who has been having a hard time properly throwing to first base): “Welp, here we go – get ready for the splits.”
(After splitting at first base): “I never used to be a flexible person until I started playing first base, I swear.”
(A first baseman after the ball gets hit to right field on a ground ball or line drive): “Okay, right fielder, I understand that you need to throw the ball to me for the out as quickly as possible but YOU’RE BREAKING MY HAND!”
(After the ball pops up into the air right in between the infield and the outfield): “GOD I HATE THESE IN-BETWEENERS. It’s right above me, but I can literally sense this outfielder charging at me right now. Do I catch it or let her have it? Oh God, it’s coming down. WHAT DO I DO? S*** – just let her have it.” ///Or/// “Get the f*** out of my way – I got this one.”
“Oh my God, I think that ground ball just broke my finger – but it’s okay, just shake the pain away, don’t act like you’re dying, this is a nightmare – smile at Coach.”
“That bruise is gonna kill in the morning.”
(After diving): “Ugh, perfect, there’s dirt in my sports bra.”
“Hit it to me – that’s it, right to me – I got this.”
“Do NOT hit the ball to me right now – for the love of God, don’t do it.”
“I have dirt covering every inch of my body right now, and it feels strangely good and gross at the same time.”
“Oh my God, we’re drowning out here. Coach, switch pitchers – what are you even doing over there?”
“That batter’s hitting stance is weird.”
“The opposing team’s uniform colors are not a flattering combination.”
“S*** – how many outs are there?”
“I don’t know why I think kicking the dirt around in-between pitches is a good idea – I just like doing it.”
“I hate these mouth guards, I can’t say anything comprehensible with them in my mouth and I slobber everywhere when I take it out.”
“She was out! I threw her out! I see that guilty look on your face, Blue, because you know that she’s supposed to be out.”
“Holy crap, she just slid directly into my shin – JESUS this hurts.”
(First baseman with a runner on first): “Go ahead pitcher, pick her off – I’m so ready.”
“YAS, that throw was PERFECT – go me! Now time to play it off like it was nothing in order to appear humble.”
“I think that line drive broke my hand – F***.”
“Strike her out and shut them up already!”
“Don’t plow me over, don’t plow me over, PLEASE don’t plow me over…”
(Second baseman covering first on a bunt): “Don’t throw it in the baseline – I don’t feel like getting run over today.”
(After a line drive gets hit down the line and past the third baseman): “Go foul, go foul!”
(After making a miraculous catch at third base): “I don’t even know how I did that. My fast reaction time is beginning to scare even me.”
(Shortstop covering for a steal): “Please be a good throw, please be a good throw…”
“I wish the dirt was softer today.”
“This is by far my favorite position – I have so much to do here.”
————————————————————————–
Outfielders:
“GOD NOT A LEFTY HITTER!” (yes, I’m aware that this is the fourth time I’ve said this.)
“I HATE it when the grass continues to stay wet from dew until late morning when we start to play – it makes my socks wet and my cleats slippery – STOP IT.”
“Is anyone looking at me right now? Is it safe to pick my wedgie? Of course it is, the only time people look at outfielders is when the ball gets hit out here.”
“Everything looks so far away when I’m out here – it’s like I’m in the middle of nowhere………….it’s peaceful, though.”
“The infielders may think we’re weaker and less important than they are – but little do they know that without us, they would be F*****! We’re the last line of defense – we save your a****!”
“Holy crap that batter looks ENORMOUS. Better back up AT LEAST four big steps.”
“Please, somebody hit something out here – the three of us are getting slightly bored out of our minds.”
“Do you know how frustrating it is to watch the entire infield implode and know that there’s nothing you can do about it except watch everything go down after you throw the ball in? Well – it’s VERY frustrating.”
“If I pull another leg muscle out here today, I swear to God…”
“Hit a ball I can dive for – I want to dive. I want some action.”
“My contacts are blurring on me – stop it!”
“Hey – people leaning up against the fence and having an inappropriate conversation while thinking that no one can hear you because you’re all the way out here – newsflash, I don’t take off my ears along with my earrings before games.”
“Why can’t I get this song out of my head?”
“I’m getting eaten alive by mosquitos out here.”
“Is it really that difficult for everyone to remember how many outs there are?”
“Crap, I have to pee!”
“I could really use some sunflower seeds right about now…”
“That pitch looked f***** up…and yet, the batter still swung at it. Funny.”
“The back of *insert name of infielder here*’s head is looking really good today – I wish I could get my hair to do that!”
(After a pop fly gets hit right in between the infield and you) “Oh God – runinruninruninruninruninrunin – Don’t forgot to call it so the infielder backs off!”
(After a pop fly gets hit in between you and another outfielder) “Crap, is she calling it? If so, I can’t hear it. Where even is she? I can’t take my eye off the ball and I’m not gonna make it – someone call it!”
“S***, I dropped it – Coach is gonna shoot me.”
(After diving and catching a fly ball) “That hurt more than I thought it was going to – but worth it.”
(After diving and missing a fly ball) “D*****! I was so close! Thank you tho, backup.”
“Is Coach yelling out to me? It looks like he’s looking and waving at me, but I can’t be sure from where I’m standing.”
“God, the wind is BRUTAL today. It’s gonna push every fly ball that’s hit out here.”
(When tracking a fly ball) “Crap, its got a weird spin on it. Is it going to go over my head or land right in front of me? Good thing I only have a split second to decide what to do.” -______-
(After a ground ball gets hit past the infield) “I HATE GROUND BALLS. I hate them. Okay, keep your glove on the ground – don’t lift your head up.”
“I wish the sun was in a different position in the sky right now. It’s like, directly in my way – I’m gonna go blind.”
“I love clouds – they’re my saving grace.”
“This grass needs to be cut…like, really badly.”
“Yes, I grunt when I throw into the infield. Why, am I distracting you?”
“HA, you THOUGHT that was going over my head – double play b******.”
(After making a miraculous catch): “How did I just do that? No, seriously, I don’t even know. Tell me.”
“This cocky b**** is taking the BIGGEST lead right now. C’mon catcher, I’m backing up the base – throw her a** out!”
“Their uniforms are so ugly! Well, then again, so are ours.” (I’m mostly referring to my high school. Any of my high school teammates would understand what I’m talking about here lol.)
“Oh my God, if I misread one more fly ball, I swear…”
(When a ground ball gets hit to right field): “Okay, Coach is expecting you to throw this girl out at first – I’m gonna gun it even though I KNOW that I’m breaking the first baseman’s hand. Trust me, I’m more aware of it than you think, and I’m sorry.”
(After the left or center fielder throws a girl out at home plate): “D***, I didn’t know I could throw it that hard. You surprise me, arm.” ///Or/// “D***, I wish I could throw like that.”
“The pitcher looks like she’s struggling. I should probably cheer for her even though she probably won’t be able to hear me from all the way out here.”
“Never underestimate a right fielder. EVER.”
(After throwing a girl out at first from right field): “Yup, that just happened. And no, the umpire won’t change his mind about whether or not you were actually out – you were DEFINITELY out.”
(After making a great catch): “I want to hear you call my name…”
“Please don’t start raining. I really don’t wanna wipe out and break a bone today.”
“I must’ve looked like a flailing bird with a broken wing while I was trying to catch that ball. I hope no one was looking at me too closely.”
“That batter looks a bit pissed off. Let’s back up a step.”
“ITS MINE! WAIT, NO OUT LOUD YOU IDIOT, OUT LOUD!”
“Give her hell, pitcher.”
“I can’t really tell from all the way out here – but that definitely looked down the middle to me.”
“You had ONE JOB glove – and you sucked at it!”
“I’m gonna need a bigger glove.”
————————————————————————–
Batters:
“Thank God it’s my turn, I’m so ready.” ///Or/// “Okay, let’s just get this over with.” (Depending on the state of the game and how well the batter is hitting that day.)
“YUP, I’M A LEFTY – SUCK IT!” (See what I finally did there?)
“Is that a lefty pitcher? F***!”
“Why is the pitcher grunting so loudly every time she throws a pitch? It doesn’t help give you power – are you trying to distract me? Is that it? …‘Cause it’s working.”
“Okay, bases are loaded – Do. Not. Screw. This. Up.” ///Or/// “Okay, there’s no one on base – you have nothing to lose.”
“Eeeewwww, why do my batting gloves smell like that? I can actually smell them from my hitting position – so gross!”
“I really need a new helmet. This one keeps falling in front of my eyes and I’m tired of pushing it up with my shoulder. I hate having a small head.”
“This pitcher looks too cocky for her own good. Let me just wipe that smile right off your face for you.”
“Wait – did the catcher just drop the third strike? S*** – RUN. TO. FIRST. YOU MORON!”
“Man, this batters box has so much dirt in it that it’s getting in my cleats. I feel like I’m standing on sand at the beach. Note to self: don’t slip and trip on this when you run to first base. Please.”
“Oh my God, Coach is giving me the bunt sign… wait, is that actually the bunt sign? Crap, I don’t know – should I call time? If you call time now, you’re going to look like an idiot and Coach will get pissed – go ahead and bunt, but let’s just hope the pitcher throws a ball. Please don’t throw a strike.”
“Is he giving me the suicide squeeze sign again? Yes, he is. Ugh! I’d so rather be the base runner in this situation – all she has to do is run.”
“I wonder if the catcher can smell my body odor from where she’s squatting.”
“How is this catcher not terrified that I’m going to hit her? I’d be terrified – thank God I’m not a catcher.”
(After the opposing team’s coach yells: “Everybody in, it’s the 9th batter!” out to his infield and outfield – yes, this has happened to me on more than one occasion.) *smirk* “Good, I can’t wait to shove this ball down their throats.”
“I wonder if anyone can tell that I’m terrified right now – try to relax your shoulders and stop your legs from shaking.”
“My underwear is so far up my butt right now – I’m never wearing these to a game again.”
“Yes! Coach is having me swing away – I need to get a hit right now.”
“I wonder if she’s gonna throw an outside pitch, please don’t throw it outside-“
“-Aaaaand she threw it outside. And I missed. F*** me.”
“If you hit me with this pitch, I swear to God… actually, go ahead and hit me so I can go to first base – just not in the head.”
“Why do I keep hitting every inside pitch foul? Why!?”
“This pitcher’s hair is in her face and its bothering me. Fix your hair!”
“Please just give me a peek at how you’re holding the ball – it would make my life a whole lot easier.”
“This bat is a little too top-heavy, my wrists hurt. I hate N-loaded bats – but they’re the only reasons I hit homeruns, so oh well.”
“God, it’s so hot underneath this helmet, my face is melting.”
(After getting hit by a pitch): “Thank you, helmet.”
(After getting hit by a pitch twice): “THAT just happened. That JUST happened.”
(After getting hit by a pitch three times): “Good God, this hurts like hell.”
(After getting hit by a pitch four times): “I want to charge that mound SO bad.”
“This third baseman is so close to me – I could probably swing my bat around fully and hit her right in the face.”
“I hate pitchers who take a really long time in between pitches. Trying to ruin my hitting rhythm? NOT TODAY B****, NOT TODAY.” (Calls time on the pitcher right as she’s about to pitch.)
(After swinging way too early at an inside pitch and taking a ball to the shin) “OW, WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME, BAT? WHY?! F***!”
(After strike one): “Okay, just don’t swing at a high pitch again.”
(After strike two): “Okay, c’mon now, she’s making you look like you don’t know what you’re doing.”
(After strike three) “You are literally the worst batter there ever was. Do you even hit the ball ever?”
(After hitting a homerun): “HOLY CRAP DID I ACTUALLY DO THAT? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?…Well, hell yeah, of course it did. I’m amazing – how could it not?”
(After hitting the thousandth foul ball in a row): “I swear, if I don’t hit this next ball fair, I am going to break this bat and then stab myself with it to put me out of my misery – I don’t care how encouraging my coaches and teammates are – I can’t take this anymore!”
(After landing a successful bunt.): “I can’t believe that worked – now I just wish I was fast enough to make it to first base in time.”
“I like it when my teammates cheer for me, but when you bang on the fence and scream my name so loud to the point where it sounds raspy and throaty – it actually scares the s*** out of me.”
“Oh God, not that cheer again. Guys. Guys, what are you doing?”
“My contacts are so dry. Let me just blink a thousand times before the pitch is thrown and see if that helps.”
“I hate the look on this pitcher’s face right now. I just. I hate her face.”
“Okay, just imagine that the ball is the face of someone you extremely dislike. Wait – does this concept even work?”
(After hitting a single, double, triple, or homerun): “YUP, yes it does!”
“Let me just take the most powerful practice swing ever, then dig my cleat deep into the dirt in the batter’s box to make myself look more intimidating.”
“I am going to own this pitcher.”
(After the umpire calls a ball a strike): “Are you blind? No, seriously, are you blind?”
(After the umpire calls a strike a ball): “Well, yeah you are blind, but it’s all good.”
(After 4 balls): “This is called a walk – so why am I supposed to run to first base? Makes no sense.”
(After something goes wrong): “I really hope I don’t get yelled at for that later.”
(After something goes right): “Someone better acknowledge that I’m freaking awesome.”
(After swinging at an OBVIOUS ball): “Jesus, I suck. Coach must think I’m an idiot.”
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Baserunners:
“C’mon batter, don’t let me down.”
(On first base) “Thank GOD I finally got a hit – I’ve been in a dry spell for sooooo long.”
(On 1st) “Yeah, I’m taking a big lead – what are you gonna do about it? Throw it to first – I dare you.”
(On 1st): “I hate the look this pitcher is giving me right now.”
(On 1st): “Did he just give the steal sign? Aww, Coach has faith in me. <3”
(On 1st): “Yay, he gave the bunt sign – free base for me…as long as the batter doesn’t screw it up.”
(On 1st): “Okay, on the ground – sprint to second. In the air – wait and watch. Got it.”
(On 1st): “This second baseman is RIGHT in the baseline. I’m gonna run her a** over if she doesn’t move.”
(On 1st): “Second base is MINE.”
(Running to 2nd): “runrunrunrunrun – you’re not gonna make it, you’re not gonna make it – SLIDE!”
(On 2nd): “Yay, made it. Halfway there.”
“I think I tore another hole in my sock. Aaaaaand my knee is bleeding. Cool.”
“God, the ground is really, really hard today. I’m gonna cut up my entire body trying to slide on this.”
(On 2nd): “Wow, the pitcher’s butt is really big from this angle.”
(On 2nd): “I hate being on second with no one else on base – there’s too many possible scenarios to try and think through!”
(On 2nd): “Go ahead catcher – throw to second after I take my large lead. I’ll just go to third.”
(Actually being in a situation where the catcher tries to pick you off at first – so you run to second): “Oh my God, if I don’t actually make it to second safely, Coach is going to MURDER me. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?”
“Becarefulbecarefulbecarefulbecareful!”
(In a rundown): “F***!” (Because you really don’t have any time in your mind to think of anything else but a curse word in this moment.)
(On third): “I’m sooooo close – hit me home!”
(On third): “Okay – go ahead and call the suicide squeeze just DON’T SWING AWAY. DON’T YOU DO IT.”
(On third): “Go ahead and try to pick me off. We both know you’re not gonna throw to third.”
(On third): “If the catcher tries to block the plate – I’m running her over. I have the right to the base.”
“You know what, Coach looks like he’s actually having a seizure whenever he gives the batter and I signals. He’s so violent about it.”
(On third): “Remember, – lead in fair, walk back in foul.”
“This base is too wobbly.”
(After sliding): “Welp, that hurt. Better call ‘time.’”
(Tagging up on second or third and waiting for Coach to give you the ‘go’!): “C’mon, the suspense is killing me!”
“What if _____ happens? What would I need to do? Okay. But wait, what if ______ happens? OR what if ____ happens? Eh, not enough time to think this through. I’ll just have to trust that I know what I’m doing, I guess.”
(After almost getting hit with a line drive) “Oh my God, I almost died. I almost JUST died. If I hadn’t ducked in time, I would be dead right now. Jesus.”
“Why are the outfielders standing so far back right now? If they don’t think I’m going to take advantage of this, they’re crazy.”
“God, I’m so stupid! Do I even know anything about this game?”
(When the runner ahead of you gets in a rundown): “Oooooh, she f***** it up. Coach looks pissed – but he’ll be even madder at me if I don’t pay attention, get it together!”
“I bet my hair looks fantastic under this helmet.”
“There’s nothing more that I hate than base running.” ///Or/// “I love base running, it’s definitely the most exciting part of the game.”
(After the inning ends): “Aaaaand its time to fix my hair – even though I have to be on the field, like, now. Cool.”
————————————————————————–
On the bench: 
“UGH I’m so bored.”
“Actually, this is alright. I could use a break.”
“That girl has a weird throw. Doesn’t that hurt her arm?”
“How can anyone show up to a softball game with a face full of makeup? Why?”
“Is it actually possible to ever have TOO many sunflower seeds? Psssh, we’re about to find out.”
“Man, I never knew how much smack talk the coaches have with each other when everyone’s out on the field. That’s disconcerting.”
“Crap, that girl caught me staring at her.”
“Wow, that parent really needs to pipe the f*** down.”
“You gotta go after that fly ball hard or you’re not gonna make it!”
“I never knew how nerve-wracking just watching a game is.”
“Dive! Why didn’t she dive? That was a perfect time to dive. I would’ve dove.”
“Eeeeeeww, I don’t like the way that injury sounded. Is she okay?”
“My nails look absolutely terrible. I wish I could actually get them done at a salon – but it would be pointless.”
“Look at how dirty my bag looks compared to everyone else’s…why is it so dirty?”
“The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is take a shower. And it will be glorious.”
“It’s actually not that bad out here if you’re sitting in the shade and not moving around.”
“I should probably be paying more attention to the game.”
“Our catcher better pick off this girl on first, she’s like begging to get thrown out.”
“Wait…am I the designated runner for our pitcher? Where’s my helmet at?”
“…why am I putting on batting gloves when I’m just the designated runner? Solid thinking.” -_____-
“Crap, my legs aren’t warmed up enough for this.”
“My arms are getting so tan and freckle-y. Except for my glove hand. That will always remain pale as f***.”
————————————————————————–
Pre-Game:
“Holy crap, I’m sore.”
“I hate dynamic warm-ups. I hate them. I’d rather just stretch.”
“I’m already sweating and the game hasn’t even started.”
“Have I always gotten this out-of-breath so easily?”
“Let’s all make sure our traditions are on point so we don’t lose today.” (Because all softball players are superstitious af.)
“Who’s gonna be my throwing partner today?”
“Who can possibly find this sport boring?”
“Why is mom going to buy me another tournament t-shirt? Don’t I have enough?”
“You know, Coach always says before a game ‘There’s no place you’d rather be, right?’ Well…actually, there’s a couple places I’d rather be – but I like it here too.”
“Why is this song in our warm-up playlist? Who put this in?”
“God, I couldn’t be more sore right now.”
“This is too early to be playing – I’m not awake.”
“I wish we could play music like this while we’re playing a game. That would pump me up so much.”
“I wish I had a boyfriend who I could drag to my games. I love showing off.”
“The other team looks a little too cocky.”
“I wonder what snacks mom packed.”
“I want my hair French braided! I really need to learn how to do that myself tho…”
“I also want eye black – make sure you ask for eye black.”
“…and hair ribbons. I want ribbons for my hair. I’m gonna look on fleeeeeeek.”
“I wonder what position(s) I’m going to be playing today.”
“I also wonder what flavors of Gatorade mom packed.”
“I should probably put on sunscreen. But I really don’t wanna.”
“Man, it’s hot out here – I probably should’ve drank more water last night. Oh well.”
“I should probably go pee before the game starts.”
“They have a snack bar – I’m sooo getting cheese fries later.”
“Maybe if I keep imagining myself making miraculous plays…it’ll finally actually happen in real life.”
“It looks like we might have a decent chance at winning this game/tournament. The teams don’t look too tough.”
“I wish we could bring the dog out here. I’m sure she’d love it.”
“If it’s blazing hot right now…imagine what it’s going to be like in a few hours.” O.o
“Are there any college coaches here, or am I just wasting my time with recruitment? I wonder if they’re hiding somewhere – you know, blending in with the rest of the crowd.”
“I love this game.”
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Post-Softball Career:
“Wow…you never realize how much you’re going to miss this sport until you stop playing it.”
(Watching 10 and under softball players play): “I wouldn’t have even remotely imagined things turning out the way that they actually do when I was that age. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into – and a part of me wishes that I could have realized that.”
(Watching 10 and under & 18 and under softball players practice side-by-side): “I feel so old. I feel SO f****** old, I can’t even.”
“I definitely don’t miss being that age and playing softball 24/7…but it’s weird to think that this part of my life is actually over.”
“No one told me that during the first year after I quit, I would always burst into tears whenever I heard my college softball team playing outside my dorm building during softball season.”
“No one told me how much I’d fantasize about playing the game after I stopped. It’s been almost 3 years since I quit and I still fantasize about playing the game on a few of my old teams every single day.”
“While I don’t regret my decision to quit, there’s always going to be a part of me that wonders what would have happened if I had stuck with it through college.”
“I can’t believe that I used to live and breathe for this sport THIS hard, every single day for seven years straight.”
“I also didn’t realize how much I would learn from this sport – and how much it would help me overcome things in the future.”
“I didn’t realize how much I’d miss the people – the coaches, the teammates…pretty much everyone I used to see on a regular basis.”
“No one told me how weird it would feel to see your old teammates become softball coaches.”
“I didn’t know how nostalgic I would feel every single time I see a softball or baseball field post-career.”
“I should have enjoyed it more than I did.”
“I should have realized how much stress relief I got out of this sport.” (The majority of the time, it just made me feel even more stressed.)
“No one told me how weird and wrong it would feel to be on the other side – the one actually coaching.”
“I wasn’t aware of how much I’d actually miss competing…and I wasn’t aware of how much I would try to fill that gap by turning everything else that I do from then on into a competition.”
“I didn’t know how much I’d love bragging and telling stories about my career to others who weren’t there during that time to see it.”
“Apart of me wishes I had those days back.”
“And apart of me is thankful that they’re over.”
“But I will probably continue to think about when I used to play every single day for the rest of my life – because this was my everything.”
…..Yeah. Hope you enjoyed this, and at the risk of sounding too punny – I’ll catch you later! *wink*
-Rissy ❤
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