rissy stories

Hey guys,

So this is a humorous (or an attempt at humorous) nonfiction short story that I wrote back in February. Enjoy!

Behold, it’s that time of year again when every couple runs around like chickens with their heads cut off for the PERFECT Valentine’s Day present. A day of competition, in which the value of one’s relationship is only determined by the value of the material object given from one to another. Have you put the right amount of thought, time, money, and effort into the planning of this gift? Have you put your heart and soul into it?

Either way you decide to spend the day, you’re automatically placed into one (or more… or all) of 7 categories, simply for existing.

1. Most couples tend to buy each other those cliché gifts that are deemed “romantic,” like those cute, fuzzy, brown teddy bears with black buttons for eyes and a plush red heart sewn in between their stubs for hands, the one expensive watch that her boyfriend doesn’t have, heart-shaped chocolates with goo-y pink crème filling, red and pink roses with a tiny card tied with a pink ribbon attached to one of the stems that asks: “Will you be my Valentine,” or one of those golden heart necklaces with one of the girlfriend’s friends standing nearby, gasping: “He went to Jared!”
2. However, some couples (usually richer ones) go above and beyond with a fancy gift that they are able to provide for their partner: a carriage ride in the park, a night at an extremely expensive restaurant, a new car, renting out an entire movie theatre just for the two of them, etc.
3. And some couples go for the most affordable gift options that make the significant other feel special, like homemade gifts – stepping stones, pottery, painting plates, blowing glass, etc.
4. Then there are the very few couples who vow to do absolutely nothing for V-day – the rebels.
5. Of course we can’t forget that single ladies out there who go to a bar together to get drunk, trying to forget the fact that they don’t have a partner and demonizing the holiday. And the single men who go to bars to pick up those types of single ladies – taking advantage of the holiday.
6. Or the single ladies who feel empowered to do something for themselves that day. So, they go out, buy a movie, a bottle of wine, and take a bubble bath while reading a nice book.
7. And then there’s people like me who work their asses off through the holiday, then look back on February 14^th five days later and ask, “Wait, that happened already?”

Yes, even the people who never let anyone forget that it’s Valentine’s Day sometimes don’t get through to the people who are too busy to even acknowledge the day’s existence.

Now, believe it or not, I’m not a hater. I don’t care about what people decide to do for Valentine’s Day. It’s just that… whether I’m happily single (hi, how are you) or happily in a relationship, I’ve never particularly cared for it because it’s a lot of unnecessary pressure. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t have room for more unnecessary pressure in my life.

I honestly don’t even mind hearing about it. However, hearing about someone doing the traditional/cliché route has always made me want to vomit because of the nauseating public display of gushy grossness and there’s no originality to the gift. You’re just equating your relationship to every other stereotypical relationship out there, which is the most insulting to me – I’ve never gone the traditional route for that reason. You could say I’m happy with absolutely anything but traditional.

And the other day, I finally witnessed anything but traditional, and I have to say, it still makes me want to vomit, but in a different way.

I have a friend who, when searching online for a Valentine’s Day gift for her significant other, stumbled upon a chicken heart. Yes, an actual, real, chicken heart. She clicked on it and found it to be cheap, so she bought it. It came within days, and I know this because she excitedly ran up to me with them in her hands.

Yes, you read that right, them.

There were 3. Whoever was selling them gave her 3 chicken hearts, two of which were apparently free. She stood there smiling as I stared at these small, shriveled up, completely pale tan (white in some spots), beat-less chicken hearts submerged in alcohol within a clear, glass, heart-shaped container with a cork covering the opening. They looked like small, decaying pieces of meat, I couldn’t even tell that they were hearts. I looked back up at my beaming friend and laughed nervously: “That’s… interesting, I can’t believe you bought this,” I said.

“Oh, he knew what he was getting into when he met me. So, I’m just going to give him this for Valentine’s Day,” she replied contently.

“And I’m sure he’ll be thrilled,” I said sarcastically. She just laughed and took them back to her room.

Well.

I had exactly what I wanted. I had finally witnessed a Valentine’s Day exchange that was separate from the 7 categories I listed.

8. People who simply want to buy something cool/random for the person they love because they could, regardless of the holiday.

I mean, it’s one person literally giving another person a heart for Valentine’s Day. It just so happens that this heart wasn’t actually “the heart” of the person giving it, but figuratively, I guess you could still say that she was giving her heart to him.

I just thought about those chicken hearts and wondered about how far they’d come from where they originated. They formed in a tiny embryo and grew to the size slightly bigger than they are now. They kept three chickens alive well into their adult years, and then they eventually died. I wondered if chickens ever felt love and associated it with their hearts the way that a human feels love, or if they felt love in a different way? Did they love other chickens, their chicks, or humans? Or were they simply here to reproduce and live, not to feel?

Who knows what their function truly was besides keeping the chickens alive before they died, but now, in death, they were here to serve as a symbol of true love, even though they didn’t even look like hearts anymore.

I mean, I got what I wanted, right? Some originality on a traditional holiday?

My conclusion? I still don’t like Valentine’s Day.