rissy stories

Hey guys,

So, I needed to come up with another weekly blog post for my class, and I realized that I had this short creative nonfiction prose lying around from when I was a senior in undergrad. It’s about two years old now, but I figured it could help out other students in the same position.

Plus, it’s advice that I have been following as of late because I’ve been feeling extremely drained. Therefore, I decided to post it.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself!

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Taking care of myself is always the simplest, but somehow, absolute toughest thing for me to do on a daily basis.

I often wait to address the fact that I haven’t slept in weeks, that I prioritize schoolwork over eating, or that I’m constantly worried about every little thing in the past, present, and future until I’ve bottled up enough to do nothing else but explode, and usually at the most insignificant things.

For instance, I usually wait to address a problem until I’m curled up on my bed with my cat, who’s probably confused as to why I’m sobbing over the fact that my computer isn’t cooperating with me.

Or I wait until I’m driving on the road and uselessly cursing out the driver in front of me who’s done nothing more than slow down to the speed limit.

I wait until I feel too strung-out to even move, and then I become forced to address the problem at the most inconvenient time. Afterwards, I live in a numbing fog for the next several days.

You’d think after dealing with this for my entire life that at the age of 21 (23 now) I’d have a handle on it, but that’s not entirely true. (At the age of 21) I’m still no stranger to mental breakdowns – to pacing back and forth, hyperventilating, ripping my hair out, punching my bed, thinking that the world is ending, and repeating “Why did I do this to myself” or “I can’t do this anymore” over and over again – as are a lot of college students.

But then again, I’ve been doing this long before college, but I still can’t seem to grasp the fact that almost everything I completely lose my mind over always works out in the end.

And honestly, there’s nothing more eye-opening than how other people handle it if they happen to catch a person with anxiety in those moments of worry and pain.

I’ve had family members believe that it’s all done for attention – that “I now have the tools to fix it, so if it’s not taken care of, then I’m clearly unwilling to try hard enough.”

However, I’ve also had strangers hug me, tell me that everything’s going to be okay, and claim that nothing is wrong with me. And I have to say, it’s always the strangest, angriest, and surprising sensation when you expect someone to react a certain way, but then they don’t. This is why I always try to wait until I’m alone to explode.

On that note, I also never truly seem to realize that these mental breakdowns are not inevitable. While people with anxiety disorders feel trapped in their own little, terrifying world, they often forget that they have the option to take care of themselves to the point where the anxiety becomes manageable.

As I rapidly approach graduation, I’ve realized over the past four years that I can lessen my amount of mental breakdowns if I take care of myself.

Sleep has become the most valuable thing for me instead of a secondary option. Taking breaks in between homework assignments and studying is now essential for me to be productive. Surrounding myself with positive people who support me rather than seeking help from family members who give me more to worry about was a crucial turning point for me.

I initially learned in high school that taking care of myself was a necessity in order to save my life, but these past four years of undergrad showed me how to do it. I often relapse, but so does everyone.

So, do yourself a favor when you’re feeling exhausted and run down… take care of yourself.