rissy stories

Hey guys,

So I wrote this towards the beginning of the summer and I’ve just been adding to it as the summer went on, but I think I’m done with it for now. I may go back and add more later, but I wanted to write something humorous and I thought this was a good idea. These are just highlights of the weird/stupid moments in my life. Enjoy!

The Most Anxious/Average Person On the Planet was Born Today.

Mother Turns Baby Orange – “She’s a very picky eater. She likes carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes. So, that’s what I fed her.”

 “Help! I have a French fry in my ear!” – “We were in McDonalds when our daughter’s ear started aching. For some reason she thought that someone had stuck a French fry in her ear, so she panicked about for a while, but the doctor assured her it was just an ear infection.”

Toddler Swallows Nickel – “She says she was cleaning it. The doctor said she should poop it out, but she purposefully hasn’t pooped in days in fear of seeing it in her poop.” UPDATE: Toddler Who Swallowed Nickel Renamed “Nickel-butt.”

Kid Claims Parents Have Been Trying to Kill Her for Two Months – “I was in the shower when I heard a bang downstairs. My parents claim it was our glass door being shut too hard, but I think it was a gun. They’ve been plotting my death ever since.”

Kid Smashes Next-Door Neighbor’s Side Mirror on Van During Throwing Contest – “A big pile of rocks was just sitting in the driveway and we were bored.”

Kid Interested in a Cult? – “She’s obsessed with the Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus movies, and the idea of witches. She’s even gone so far as to create her own ‘book of spells’, but as her parents, we’re just worried that she’s going to actually fall into the cult of witchcraft.”

Father Takes Daughter on Rollercoaster and She Almost Dies – “I didn’t want to go on it, but he insisted. That’s why they call it ‘Steel Force.’ And I’m too small, so I almost flew off. He had to hold me down in my seat. My family still has the picture. It was traumatizing.”

Girl Makes “Braces Pact” with Best Friend – “We promised to do whatever we could to get braces in the future because they are so cool.” UPDATE: Girl Regrets Wanting to Get Braces

Middle School English Teacher v. Student 2007 – “She Squelched My Dreams.” – Teacher: “It’s not as psychotic as it sounds. She was writing some sort of story unrelated to class in a notebook and she wasn’t paying attention to me, so I took the notebook away.” Student: “It’s just as psychotic as it sounds. I had ideas on how to finish my very important book and I was writing them down in a notebook during her boring vocabulary lessons. As an English teacher, she should appreciate my determination to write. Some things are more important than listening to her talk. Case closed.”

 Teenager Slams Door in “Killer” Cousin’s Face – “I was watching Forensic Files late at night and I forgot the front door was unlocked. I heard the door start to open and I panicked, thinking it was someone trying to break in and kill me. So, I ran up and tried to slam the door shut before said person could intrude. Turns out, it was just my cousin.”

Newly Built House Haunted? – “I kept hearing music being played downstairs at night, after my parents had turned everything off and gone to sleep. I was terrified about it being paranormal, but my dad debunked it. It was our a malfunctioning snow globe.”

“Are You Anorexic?” – “We were right in the middle of the high school hallway. What was I supposed to say? ‘Yeah, that’s obviously why I’m so skinny! It can’t be because I have a fast metabolism, I play a sport, and my appetite sucks these days. And even if an eating disorder was the case, then I would totally tell you that in front of all my classmates.’”

Goth Girl Sent to Principal for Wearing a Necklace – “My theology teacher was offended that a necklace of a dove flying in front of the sun was dangling slightly outside of my uniform, but that was a hell of an accessory to complain about given that I have multiple ear piercings, I dye the under half of my hair black, wear heavy makeup, dark nail polish, excessive bracelets, and a choker necklace on top of the most holy accessory (that fucking necklace).”

 Goth Girl Wears Mini-Skirt to Softball Practice – “For the record, I had shorts on underneath.”

College Girl Harassed by Coworker – “He shoved me, tried to trip me, lightly punched my shoulder, said demeaning comments about my appearance and personality, and got angry about the fact that I didn’t want to hang out with him outside of work while also buying me things, telling me how pretty I am, and writing me poems and love notes. I reported him after three months of this, and I actually felt guilty about him getting in trouble.”

 Woman Buys Real Chicken Heart Online – “My college roommate bought it as a present for her boyfriend. Actually, 3 came in the mail, even though she only paid for 1.”

Adorable Interracial Family Seen Walking Around a College Town – “No, no, not a family. That was me, a white female, my roommate at the time/best friend (a white male), and a black toddler we happened to be babysitting that summer. We went on walks together. Stop with the strange looks.”

 Girl Called Lesbian for Never Being Seen with a Boyfriend – “I mean, if she says it, then it must be true, right?” UPDATE: Same Girl Called Lesbian for Dressing up as Katniss Everdeen for Halloween – “I mean, if he says it… oh Jesus, whatever, fuck it. Guess I’m a lesbian now.”

Housekeeper Finds Gun in Hotel Room – “It’s technically allowed in this hotel in this state, but normally gun-owners keep them locked away if they’re not in the room, not sitting on a nightstand for a housekeeper to find.”

Geology Major Not Allowed to Take 100-Level Chemistry Class – “It’s a required class for geology, chemistry, biology, environmental science, and a bunch of other majors, but I was not aware that it was reserved for petroleum engineering freshmen. Apparently upperclassmen and other majors have second dibs, which I didn’t know about until I needed to take it sophomore year. And petroleum engineering is the biggest program on campus – meaning those chemistry classes fill up by the time upperclassmen have a chance to register. Lovely system, isn’t it?”

Junior English Major Punished for Plagiarizing – “For accidentally paraphrasing 2 sentences in two separate (out of eight total) annotated bibliographies poorly. *Blink blink*”

College Senior Not Grandfathered into School Rules – “It apparently became a rule during my senior year that taking a class that doesn’t count towards your major, minor, or certificate also doesn’t count towards you being a full-time student. For example, if I’m taking 12 credit hours exactly and one of those courses happened to be a 3-credit-hour non-required English course, then ‘technically’ I’m not a full-time student because those 3 credit hours don’t count. I was forced to follow said ridiculous rule even though I was a senior with very little requirements left. *Blink, blink, blink*”

 Customer Expectations – “She demanded to be served RIGHT after she ordered with ten other ice cream orders in front of her, not to mention coffee orders. Get out.”