rissy stories

Hey guys!

I know it’s been several months since I’ve posted something, but I moved in August and I’ve been busy trying to get settled into my new living space and school, so I haven’t been posting much.

However, I have definitely been writing.

So, here is something I wrote very recently as a final project for one of my graduate school classes. We read a poem by Nazim Hikmet called “Things I Didn’t Know I Loved,” and as our final project, our professor wanted us to create our own version of the poem. (Granted, mine is prose more so than poetry, but that was allowed too).

I came up with 13 things that I didn’t know I loved, and I had each classmate (as well as my professor and I) read 1 thing out loud for my presentation. Each thing is a completely different part of me, so it’s like different characters coming together to tell the story of my first months in my new living space.

And when my classmates read it, it was like it became a part of their story because of the first-person narration, which I didn’t initially intend, but that seemed to resonate well with everyone afterwards.

Anyways, here it is! Hope you enjoy it and relate to some of it!

🙂

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1. I didn’t know I loved silence.

Because I’ve only ever heard noise.

My mind is always a constant whirlwind of worry, fear, and catastrophe, and it was even worse as a child and teenager because silence was foreign to me – I didn’t even know it existed.

Unbeknownst to me back then, I busied myself with anything I could get my hands on to try blocking out all the noise –

All the worrying about someone not texting me back right away, waiting for the next step in life instead of enjoying where I’m at, constantly misreading and overthinking every situation and conversation, trying to please everyone by running myself ragged with sports and school, believing that I’ll never be good enough, or wondering if I was ever going to be attractive enough for a boy to even consider giving me my first kiss…

Which are all so fucking unnecessary worries and not worth losing hours of sleep over every night.

And none of my tactics of busying myself with toys, games, sports, family, friends, boyfriends, or therapists were enough to quiet all of the noise my mind generates to torture me.

It wasn’t until I grew up that I realized writing stories about different characters in a different life, in a different world, in different shoes was the only thing that provided me with a temporary cure to fully erasing the noise.

Feeling like I’m in control of life and what it does to people. That puts my mind at ease.

It gives me peace. Even for a moment.

 

2. Well, I didn’t know I loved playing with colors.

I prided myself as being a “happy goth” from ages thirteen to eighteen, and I honestly never truly grew out of what was supposed to be a short “phase.”

My colors are dark purples, greys, blues, and of course, black.

My favorite bands tend to use electric guitars and they scream their lyrics.

I love choker necklaces, dark lipstick, thick eyeliner, black or brown hair, black cats, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Beetlejuice, and Halloween.

Hell, my family still buys me anything with skulls and cross-bones on it.

However, when it comes to writing and illustration, suppressed colors seem to explode from within me. I always thought that adding so many colors to everything I create served as a compensation for my lack of drawing skills, but the more I create and improve in drawing, the more color I feel I need.

And I always found my writing to be dark (which I previously thought matched my soul), but I apparently have a dull, dark exterior with a colorful interior that only emerges when I’m fully expressing myself through writing.

Who knew?

 

3. And I honestly didn’t know that I loved hitting a softball, even though I played the sport the majority of my life.

For competitive softball players, hitting was almost always a pain. There are hitting lessons, drills, making sure you don’t drop your shoulder when you swing, pulling your hips through the swing before your elbow, keeping your eye on the ball, hurting your hands when you hit the ball on the wrong part of the bat, and accidentally hitting the ball into your shin – your swing needs to be perfect.

But after your career officially ends, you miss having something to hit on a daily basis. Especially as an adult, we have way more reasons to hit something now than we did when we played softball.

From car problems, to constant job searching, to terrible bosses, to interacting with awful customers, to dealing with insane family members, to paying over $100 in groceries every week, to paying rent, and to learning how to budget – holy shit, someone hand me a bat right this second.

I seriously loved hitting a softball. And now our swings don’t need to be perfect.

 

4. Surprise, surprise – I didn’t know I loved Thanksgiving.

I always thought it was a boring holiday, and *gasp* no, I don’t like turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, green beans, gravy, or interacting with people while I’m trying to eat.

It always leads to a conversation that I don’t want to have, which kills my appetite. An appetite that I need with this fast metabolism that will surely lead to my untimely death.

But for all these years, I’ve obviously been having Thanksgiving with the wrong people. It is, apparently, possible to have a normal, happy Thanksgiving with food that actually tastes good and with people who don’t ruin my appetite with bad conversations.

I’ve finally had a Thanksgiving where I can actually feel thankful for the things that I’m thankful for with people I’m thankful for inviting me.

I’m actually thankful for a Thanksgiving.
Thanks.

 

5. I didn’t know that I loved spaghetti. Yes, something as simple as spaghetti.

I have a family full of people who love to cook, so I’ve never had to. I don’t like cooking.

And spaghetti is easy to make, so, obviously, it was the first thing I decided to make as a person living on my own with a personal kitchen for the first time.

And even though I’ve eaten all kinds of spaghetti before, I’ve never tasted spaghetti that I made, all by myself.

It’s nothing crazy – just boiling water, pouring spaghetti into the pan, letting it sit for twelve minutes, straining it, then adding a little butter and parmesan cheese.

But it’s delicious because I made it myself.

I’m being an adult, which is something I never thought I’d be able to do.

Seriously, I did not think I would be able to make it this far, to the point in life where I’m able to actually provide food for myself without ordering take-out or fast-food, eating someone else’s cooking, or eating microwavable food.

I really love spaghetti.

 

6. I also didn’t know that I loved candles.

Having three cats is a pain. I love each and every one of them, but they’re pains.

And they stink.

I grew up living with cats, but not this many. Two at most, and someone else always took care of the litter boxes.

And life was pretty simple the past two years with one cat using one litter box that I took care of by myself.

So, I’ve never had the need or desire to use a candle before.

But now… three cats using four litter boxes in a small apartment is a lot.

I have seven candles sitting on my desk and three spread throughout the apartment. All of them are fruit, pumpkin, coconut, lavender, autumn, and cinnamon scented.

Candles have saved my nose’s life.

 

7. Believe it or not, I didn’t know I loved the sound of cars driving around early in the morning.

It actually makes me happy when I first wake up and hear cars whizzing past my apartment.

Living downtown can be a nightmare when trying to fall asleep or sleep in, but it helps to know that the world is waking up with you when you have to get up early.

And I haven’t had to get up this early since high school.

Transitioning from an evening-shift job to an early morning-shift job was rough, but if I lived in the suburbs, or out in the middle of nowhere (like I’m used to), getting up early would be more difficult because it would feel like I’m the only one having to wake up.

And loneliness during a tough time is difficult.

I guess what I’m trying to say is – I’m glad that I’m not the only one who has to suffer.

But I’m also glad that I’m finally working like a normal human being with time to relax at the end of my day instead of constantly working late night shifts like a night owl.

I love how downtown reminds me of that every morning – it’s almost better than coffee.

8. I didn’t know I loved coming up with my own illustrations for my writing.

My past two roommates are both artists, and they both know more than anyone that I vehemently despise trying to draw. Back in undergrad, I made my roommate promise to illustrate my writing for me if I ever became a successful author.

Because when I draw, I become anal about every little thing, and it takes ten times longer than it should.

Then after I’m done, I’m never satisfied with the result.

And my artistic skills have remained the exact same, I’m not going to lie – I have not improved, but I do feel more satisfied with the results than I did before this class.

And for that, I am thankful, because I need more positivity in my life, no matter how big or small.

 

9. I didn’t know I loved weddings.

I’d never been to a wedding before my cousin’s wedding this past October.

Granted, it was not like most weddings – the ceremony was about 10 minutes at most, but what was most thrilling to see was my family actually pulling it together long enough to make the day special for my cousin, which is a rare sight and a not-so-easy feat.

It’s amazing how weddings can serve as temporary peace treaties between people, and that was nice to experience more so than the part about my cousin actually getting married.

I’d like to go to another wedding one day (but never have to plan one).

Although, I suppose that overall, I just loved seeing my cousin genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.

 

10. Have you ever just done nothing? Because I didn’t know I loved doing absolutely nothing.

Those types of lazy days are my absolute favorite – I’m addicted to them, honestly.

You know the days where you just sit in bed with your cat, drinking hot chocolate, and watching cars pass by your window while you read or watch something enjoyable.

Those days where you can actually take a nap if you want to without feeling guilty.

Those days you have the time to make your living space look more presentable to others, or do your laundry, or do the dishes – but still have the option to forgo that and do nothing instead.

The days you could potentially hang out with someone, but ultimately end up choosing doing nothing over socializing.

Days like this did not exist for me after I turned eleven and up until this past August. And before the age of eleven, I thought those kinds of days were boring.

And sure, I’m still busy with school and a job, but now I have more opportunities to experience those types of days every now and again.

And for once in my life, I do not feel guilty for doing nothing when I have the time to do nothing.

I wish I could have known throughout my teenage years that it’s important to take care of yourself first.

I love doing nothing.

 

11. I didn’t know that I loved medication.

Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and I have had a love-hate triangle for about 5 years now.

Because, you know, love hurts.

Adjusting to their presence at sixteen was an agonizing process all those years ago, and now trying to wean off of them has proven to be even more difficult.

I want nothing more than to let them go, but they drive me crazy when they’re gone.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t live without them, and other times I feel like I can’t live with them.

I love that they help me function, but I hate that I need help functioning.

All these years, I thought that I hated them because they were a constant reminder that I needed extra help to survive in this world.

But now that they’re leaving, I realize why they were there in the first place. Life is so much easier with them than without them.

I hate that I love them.

 

12. I didn’t know that I loved myself.

Seriously, it’s a difficult journey, but I’m finally seeing the light at the end of that tunnel.

The best part of moving to a new place all by myself is finding myself. I don’t have all of that extra background noise of what my classmates, teammates, or family thinks of me and how people I know portray me anymore.

I came here completely unknown. I could have chosen to be whoever I wanted to be, just to try out a few personalities to see which ones are most desirable and attractive.

But I purposefully chose to be myself, and I never expected to be accepted this quickly, because I never have been before. It takes a while for people to even realize I exist.

But you accepted me.

So thank you for reminding me of that fact.

 

13. I didn’t know I loved change and starting over.

Change and anxiety do not mix well together – that’s not a secret.

Change has always been anathema to me, and I honestly thought I’d never grow out of it. I’m great at running away, but I’m not great at staying away.

All I wanted to do when I graduated from middle school was to stay in middle school.

I didn’t feel that way about high school, but after graduation, moving out of the house I’d lived in for 18 years made me not want to move out of that house.

I’ve always been terrified to live on my own, which is why the first two full years of undergrad were spent with me calling my mother on a daily basis, crying, because I felt stranded and lost in the middle of Ohio.

The mere idea of change brought on a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that would last like a rock in my gut for days, weeks, or even months.

However, after I’d finally became comfortable in undergrad, I graduated. And I’d surprisingly never felt more sure about anything when I moved to Baltimore months afterwards.

I have yet to call my mother crying, begging to come home. I have yet to feel lost and stranded in a city with countless people. I have yet to feel unsure about whether or not I actually fit into my school’s program, like I did in undergrad.

I have yet to regret this change, and I don’t think I ever will.

Change doesn’t have to be bad. In fact, I love it.

Just like I love each and every one of you.

Thanks for one of the best semesters of my life. Now you each hold a piece of my ongoing story.