rissy stories

Hey guys,

So, I had an assignment in one of my classes to meditate on one object with a partner, and then we wrote separate stories on that object. My partner and I chose a lightbulb, then composers from a nearby institute took those stories, picked their favorites, then took pieces of the stories, and created 2-minute-long experimental music based off of those songs. We had a concert recently where a soprano sang the words that the composers put together and set to music.

The composer of my partner and I’s stories asked permission to create a longer composition of both stories since the 2-minute time restriction bothered him.

We said yes, and that we would love a copy of the final pieces.

Still waiting on that copy, but I just wanted to share that story with y’all anyway.

Enjoy 🙂

(our poster, created by Christine Drawl)

Lightbulb

            I wish there was a lightbulb inside of my head, one that I could manually use whenever I need the extra help. Because I need something – anything that lightens up the dark with a simple flip of a switch. Because the part of me that actually wakes up when I open my eyes after a restless sleep is missing. I feel like a phone with a dying battery that never fully recharges. Maybe a doctor could finagle a tungsten wire filament inside of my brain, and the electricity and heat would blast my synapses into movement, because right now, they feel sluggish and stuck. They’re weighed down by self-created thoughts like “you don’t matter,” and “no one would miss you today if you stayed in bed.” The creativity and motivation I once had seems to have lost its way in the dark, when all it needs is something to turn on the light.

And strange things like those self-created thoughts lurk in the shadows of a mind that used to produce its own light. And soul-devouring thoughts that family and strangers help me create with their insulting words trespass along with the self-created thoughts, when they are all usually scared away by a barrier of light. But now they have hidey holes in the outskirts of my mind. “You’re selfish,” “You’re childish and need to grow up,” “You’re passive aggressive,” “You’re self-absorbed,” “You’re always miserable,” and let’s not forget the frequent flyer: “You wallow in self-pity and seek attention,” have all taken up residence within my mind, and do nothing to help contribute to the rent.

These demons terrorize the thoughts that live in the light, and kick them out of their homes. “You’re doing just fine,” escapes the chaos first, followed quickly by “You don’t need to change for anyone.” Then “Just keep pushing through,” convinces “Staying busy will help,” to vacate the premises, which leaves the host empty and lethargic. “Self-worth comes from within,” puts up the biggest fight of them all, but “You’re better off alone,” possesses a talent that the former wasn’t gifted. “Self-worth” spends most of its time exercising, trying to rejuvenate my mind’s natural light-bringing abilities, but even thoughts get tired.

What I need, is a lightbulb that has the ability to persevere through adversity, because the light from within is weak and fragile. It wavers and flickers almost daily, and extinguishes as fast as a breeze blowing out a candle. However, “You deserve better” often reminds me that depending on someone else’s light is almost worse. The comfort and warmth of a consistent light quickly becomes overwhelmed with the fear of what would happen if such a light ever disappeared. The knowledge of the light wrapped snuggly around me always being in someone else’s hands, shrouds me in a constant state of worry, and the horrible “What ifs” snake their way through my mind. I’d rather spend my days with my lonely, flickering light than someone else’s.

“You can do it” says that the only solution is to strengthen that inner light. I spend a lot of time regathering the thoughts that used to live in my mind, but have now been evicted. We train for battle daily. Some days are better than others, and the work is always draining. This is why I wish to have a lightbulb – something easy would be nice – but that’s not how light works. And I’ll always continue fighting for something only a permanent light fixture can provide.